Edinburgh and beyond

09:04:2004
My plans for the future
Between the 6th and 24th of August I was in Edinburgh, putting on a show (my first) of short comedy films and sketches. As well as me there was ---l, (of course), ----r (on tech) and ---i (acting). Call me optimistic, but I anticipated that we would come back to London with the Perrier award for best necomer, or at the very least a sheaf of rave reviews, an agent and/or a TV series. You know that saying: "Be careful what you wish for... you might just get it." ? Well any caution on my part would be unwarranted seeing as we didn't get shit. Let the record show what we got: 1 preview (not bad), quoted in an Observer article (cool), 2 reviews (one a bit crap, one really crap), 3 audience comments on the Fringe website (all really, really, really crap) a blow to the bank account (naturally) and an average of 12 audience members per show (in a venue that held 200 for Mark Thomas).

On the plus side I got to hang around with Mark Thomas and his crew of merry pranksters (MT's a big sci-fi buff, wouldn't you know) and I'm not altogether sure what a salutary lesson is, but I think I've learned a few. Oh yeah, and I got to spend a lot of quality time with ---l (when he wasn't shut in his room), ----r (when he wasn't playing Tony Hawks Skateboarding challenge on the Mac) and ---i (when he wasn't painting the town). I also found time to see a few movies, 2 'Seinfeld's and about 31 episodes of 'South Park'. I also ate deep fried Haggis and chips on a regular basis.

Got home to find the kids had all grown up and were now texting gossip and abuse to their friends on mobiles made of play-dough. It was a 710km (450 mile) drive back to London and it took me 9 hours with 3 stops. Average speed a whisper under 50 miles per hour, to save you the trouble of working it out. The car was loaded with props and costumes from the show, tech equipment, personal effects, about 1500 flyers that were never given out (more on them later) and a Perrier-award shaped space on the passenger seat. It rained on and off the whole trip, and I spent a lot of time adjusting the wiper speed and raising and lowering my flip-up sunglass clip.

Despite this it was a nice trip. I had compiled a CD with a whole shitload of mp3s on it and had a long time to think about what our next project should be. Up to now I hadn't given it any thought as I had really no idea how Edinburgh was going to go. However with that out of the way and the salutary lessons all lined up in a row, I can now impart the following:

1. Three pieces of advice for anyone thinking of putting on a comedy show at the Edinburgh fringe:

a) If you are going to mix live and prerecorded projected items as part of your show, bear in mind that there are 9999 other people doing the same thing, so you'd better have something special up your sleeve. I am proud to say we were the only show to be putting on films in 3D. Unfortunately it was the sketches that most people didn't like.

b) The publicity thing and getting people in to see the show is a real bitch. OK, I had no illusions about this. I knew it would be tough, but knowing that it's going to be tough doesn't make it any less unpleasant when you're trying to hand out flyers. If you reckon you're a tough nut mentally and pretty well adjusted and able to handle a few psychological jabs, then I urge you to spend an afternoon handing out flyers. The exquisitely wounding existential paradox of people simultaneously ignoring you and stepping out of the way to avoid taking a flyer from you has to be experienced if you're going to call yourself a well rounded individual. And how do things become well rounded, incidentally? by having their edges relentlessly chipped away on all sides.

The only way to avoid the lasting mental damage caused by the constant existential rejection of giving out flyers is to desensitise and/or dehumanise yourself. Just work your way through the stack in your hand, smile, and summarise why this complete stranger should come to your show in as many words as you can get out in the 3.2 seconds between them entering earshot and passing by. It's not really done to shout at their backs after they've passed by. If they haven't taken a flyer by then you've lost the sale. There are some people who seem to have the ability to really engage strangers and who come across as genuinely happy to be able to tell you about the show and give out a flyer. These people are gold dust. Try and employ an army of the buggers if it will get you out of doing any flyering yourself. Promoting your show by day and performing by night sucks the fat one. You end up doing neither particularly well.

c) I'm afraid to have to say this, but on no account should you ever ----- ---- '----' ----. -- -- - ---- ----- --- --- -- -- - ----- ---- ---- --- ----- -- ---- --- ----- fucking ---- ---- -'-- ---- -----. As well as this, - ----- ---- -- -- -- ---- ----- --- --fuck -- ---- ---- --- --- -- ---------- -- anti------ --- ---- ----- --- --- ----- -------- --- the show -- ---- --- ---- ------ fringe ----. I'm sorry I had to censor some of that but if you happen to do a show up there in the future you'll know what I'm getting at. Bastards.

2. The following blessings: Family life is great. ---y is starting a new term at school, and is now allowed more playground privileges, --m is starting playgroup in a few days (not sure how that will go. I'll get back to you). ----? will be born in 3 weeks or so, which is exciting. And ---y gave us a very groovy lampshade for the kids' room.

3. Since Edinburgh I have resolved to aim for more realistic goals in life and am have thus decided to become an international playboy jet-setter. Only two things stand in the way of this goal: lack of limitless style and the fact that international playboy jet-setters don't tend to be happily married with two kids and a third on the way. These days most of the international playboys have AIDS and there is little activity cheaper and more unpleasant than going on an aeroplane. Also martinis bring my eczema up.

4. A quick congratulation to ----r and ---i who have just had their first kid; a little girl called ----a. Nice one guys. Looking forward to a picture.

5. Condolencies to everyone who knew my great-great-aunt Dodi who died last week. She was a great laugh and the kind of person who you were never sorry to be talking to at a gathering. She once held forth to me on how much she liked 'Star Trek' (both classic and TNG) and this was when she was in her eighties. I have held her in high esteem ever since and sincerely hope that she has sucessfully beamed up and is hanging out with Kirk, Spock, Bones and Mr Sulu as I write this.

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