Turkey with all the trimmings

12:29:2002
A fairly simple guide to the preparation of a Christmas lunch/dinner for about 8 people.
Turkey
A rough guide is about 2/3 of a kilo of Turkey per person, so for 8 people, a 6 kilo bird will suffice. (all measurements in metric as I am writing this on the continent)
A 6 kilo bird will take 4 hours to cook at 180 degrees in a fan assisted oven. Don't have a fan assisted oven? It takes longer, I suppose. General rule of thumb is 15 mins per pound plus 15 minutes (yes yes I know that wasn't metric just let me do the fucking recipe will you?)
Here's three tips regarding making sure the turkey doesn't get too dry (which is the major factor in a successfully roasted bird, along with it not being underdone and giving everyone food poisoning)...
1. Basting
Get one of those rubber bulbed basters that looks like a huge pipette. About an hour and a half into the roasting, the Turkey will release a fair amount of fat and juice. Suck the stuff up from the roasting pan and pour it over the top. Do this as often as you can stand (it's not a pleasant job). Every 20 minutes is good.
2. The foil hat
Wrap the top of the turkey in foil before putting it in the oven. Don't completely wrap it up like a package, just mould a sort of big 'foil hat' that can be removed for basting. This stops the breast from getting burned before the interior is done and also conserves moisture. Remove the foil hat for the last half hour of roasting to get the skin nice and brown.
3. Finishing up
Don't serve the thing straight out of the oven. If carved when very hot, all the juices will run out as soon as it is cut. Aim for taking it out half an hour before you want to serve it. This lets the flesh cool down with the juices trapped inside.
Dont ask me for tips on carving. These bloody things have so much meat on them that any kind of hacking will generally get results. If you've cooked it properly (ie long and slow) the meat should be falling off the bone. The dark meat is juicier and tastier, in my opinion. Eating a massive turkey drumstick makes you feel like you're in the Flintstones. Just watch out for the needle-sharp tendons that are found in the legs and wings.

Stuffing
Always stuff the turkey. Stuffing takes loads of work if you do it properly but a stuffed turkey will stay moist when it cooks. Instead of a gaping hole where the guts were you'll have a cavity filled with wet gunk which releases steam as it cooks. Sounds appetising, eh? Here's what you'll need for loads of stuffing not only for the inside of the turkey but for a baking dish on the side.
2 kilos onions
2 heads garlic
1 whole 'hand' of celery
3 boxes of mushrooms (Chestnut ones are nice)
1 kilo chestnuts (chestnuts are nice)
a few leaves of sage (actually I forgot this last time and it still turned out fine)
Breadcrumbs
Chicken stock
2-4 eggs
Right. Cut a slit in each chestnut and stick them in the oven at 150 degrees for 20 minutes or so, or until the shells start splitting. They don't need to be fully done because they'll cook in the stuffing- just done enough so you can get the shells off. When they're ready, get someone to peel them (a shitty job which you should delegate if you can) and set them aside.
Peel and chop all the onions (another shitty job). The last two years I used a sort of manual chopping machine which looks like a giant rubber stamp with blades on it. It works OK though I only use it when I've got fuck loads of onions to chop up. If using a magimix try not to get them too finely chopped. You need a medium-chunky texture here. Pieces about 1 cm square will do.
Chop the garlic, celery and mushrooms as well.
Then heat a big pan with oil and fry up (or sautee) everything in this order: Onions and garlic, celery, mushrooms. You'll have too much to do it in one go, so do it in batches. Make sure the onions are a nice golden brown and don't burn anything. Watch for the brown residue on the bottom of the pan. If you don't keep stirring and scraping then it will burn and make your stuffing taste like cigarette ash.
You don't want to be stuck making stuffing on the day you cook because doing chopping all the onions and shit takes ages and the turkey will be waiting. Do all the chopping and sauteeing the night before. Then on the day mix 2 raw eggs in. These help hold the mixture together. You might want to go to 4 eggs if you want. Then stir in breadcrumbs until the whole mass goes gooey. The breadcrumbs take a while to expand and soak up all the juices so add them slowly to allow for the lag-time. If you overdo it and the stuffing gets too dry, moisten with chicken stock. While you're at it, stir a glass of brandy into the mix. I don't know if this helps the flavour but it does add to the festive spirit as well as serving as an offering to the spirit of the departed turkey so it won't come back and haunt you in the night after you've eaten too much stilton.
Season with salt, pepper and a few leaves of sage.
Now stuff as much as you can into the Turkey. Remember to remove the giblets if it has any and set them aside. Put the turkey on its end to allow gravity to help with the stuffing process.
Unless you've gone and bought a turkey the size of a small car you 'll find you have loads of stuffing left over. This is good. You should always make more stuffing than you think you're going to need. It's particularly good with leftovers. Put the excess stuffing in a baking dish and do it at 180 degrees for 45 minutes or until it gets a nice brown crust.
Coming up...
TRIMMINGS!
Roasted vegetables, sausages, sprouts, gravy and cranberry sauce.

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